Thursday, September 17, 2009

Taking Inventory

So what are the things that are really hindering me from living a full life?

I could easily tick of a list of "things" that I can't seem to escape: depression, fatigue (what mother isn't tired?), guilt. These are perhaps general to a lot of women. However, my depression stems from my desire to do things "right" and to take care of everything. Which means that on a daily basis I am faced with failure. Or, what I deem to be failure. I can't always do everything, nor can I do it all the "right" way (whatever that means).

But, (and here's the somewhat insane part) if I let go of my need to control and take care of all the problems in my (and others) lives, who will do it? Will others be taken care of? Will things get done? Will my own needs be met? Will the world implode and all fall into chaos?

But if I don't choose to let go of the false need to always take matters into my own hands, there is no room for God in my life (primarily), nor is there room for my husband. I disallow those who desire to meet my needs to have any function in my life. This not only makes me feel lonely, but overwhelmed by all that I must "do." It also makes others who long to love me feel rejected and unimportant to me.

I desire nothing more than to feel close and connected to my family, especially my husband. Of course, there are issues in his life that contribute to feeling "far away" from each other. But my job is to find my own contributing behavior in whatever cycle we're in. Or, whatever cycle I am in. And so I continue to examine myself, determine what matters and what doesn't, and let some things go... into someone else's hands. And will things get done? Maybe. Maybe not. But will the world dissolve into nothingness if they don't? No. I should say it again for my own sake: no, it will not.

In fact, without the world on my shoulders, I may even live a happier and more fulfilled life. Imagine that.

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