Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Woman in the Corner Judging Me

Often I'm struck with a strange voyeuristic perspective on my daily activities.

I'm suddenly outside my own body, and I see a frazzled woman gripping her 9 month old baby under one arm, while frantically vacuuming with the other. She has a weird look on her face. She looks like she might cry. Why doesn't she just put down the baby?

And then I come back to myself and tell that girl over in the corner judging me that I CAN'T put the d@mn baby down because I will not listen to her screech at me for another minute, nor will I fight her attempt to climb up my leg while simultaneously pulling down my pants.

Why are my pants able to be pulled down by a 9-month-old you might ask? Well, I'm either wearing the sweatpants or stretchy leggings I slept in the night before, OR I'm wearing jeans that are a size too big.

Which leads to another topic, why my pants are too big. Well, I suppose most women would welcome the "problem" of loose-fitting clothing (myself included). However, my weight loss is the direct result of the previously mentioned 9-month-old still sucking on my b@@bs 24/7. Yes, she is addicted to me. I can't sleep without her crying "mama" from the crib beside our bed, getting increasingly louder in her request for nursing time, so I must get her in order to allow my husband to sleep so he can get up for work the next day.

So here she comes, into our bed, into my special place where I only want to sleep and make love. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less. Instead, I let her nurse beside me. I do this because I can still sleep a little while she eats. Then sometimes I am awake enough to try putting her back in her bed; often times, I'm not awake, and she stays all night. Eating. Sucking the fat right off my body.

I wake up in the morning 2 pounds lighter and hungry as a horse. However, I don't have time to feed myself, as there are diapers to change, and children demanding milk, and juice, and eggs. I usually just have a couple cups of coffee before I remember that I should also eat...

Where was I going with this? Well, aside from the bitter complaint that my kids are super demanding right now and I'm going on little sleep. I think it was just that. Life is hard right now. And I feel a little crazy.

But on a positive note, I'm skinny.