Being Honest

I couldn't run this morning because I did a super hard-core Jillian Michael's workout dvd on Sunday, and I guess my body is still recovering from that. I didn't even get out of bed on Tuesday to run, and today I got up late. I started to run and I physically was unable. The muscles in my knees still feel completely maxed out. This caused me to settle into a walk and just listen to my music.

It's amazing how a song that I put on my iPod last year while I was depressed and feeling trapped can seem like a completely different song to me today. Being honest with you all (and realizing this is a public blog, but also realizing there is nothing secret about this), I still battle depression. And I've been off my medication for a blur of 3 weeks. My doctor thinks I have something called Bipolar 2, and I tend to agree. I go through rapid-rapid cycling, where I have a day or two of depression, then a day or two of "mania" I guess you can call it, and my "normal" moods are few these days. There's more to it than that, but I'll keep it simple for now. I have been having some moments of clarity lately that have made me decide I really need to be back on meds. My kids don't need this.

So, this song that I put on my iPod used to make me feel so miserable, and I sickeningly continued listening to it, reveling in feeling like a sad victim in my own life. I listened to only part of the song, really, and I must have tuned the other parts out, because I listened to it this morning and it made me smile. Like, really smile. Big grin. I probably looked silly, but it's true. I was really listening to the heart of this song, and I realized life is good, I've made some GOOD decisions about some HARD issues, and I am exactly where I should be. I don't know why a song that made me feel like a loser last year can make me feel like a strong and free woman today, but such is my life. Well, I do have a few ideas as to why, but I'll save that for another post.

Now, I could continue to write, but I couldn't promise it would make any sense. I must go to the coffee. Thanks for reading.

...to something or from something?

So, I run.

I used to get up at 5:00am as a teen and run, and I remember being the most fit I've ever been. And the happiest.

My husband suggested we try something. We are both so tired, and so at our wits end, and so (hate to say it) out of shape, that we needed to act. He asked if I'd like to go running twice a week, on my own. Um, YES. Anything on my own at this point sounds completely amazing.

So my husband gets up early on Monday and Wednesday and goes running around our quiet town of Ripon, and I do the same on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I have to say, I get so excited about it. I look forward (for once) to my 5:00am nursing session with Ivey because after I put her back to bed I am FREE! I don my running apparel, grab the iPod I was supposed to be using for the last 2 years (when could I possibly use an iPod? I need to be free to hear if someone is crying or whatnot), and go.

At first, while I ran, lungs burning, I thought of all the things I was running for (from?): I'm running from all the stress, all the mess, all the things that make me crazy. I'm running away from what I can't control. I'm running from myself. I'm running from my kids and all their needs. I'm running from last night's dishes.

And then, as my lungs stopped burning, and the euphoria of the endorphins kicked in, I began to realize what I was really running for (to!): My kids, my own happiness, my freedom (which really does exist!), love for my husband, love for my body and my desire to be fit and healthy again.

So I run. And it really puts into perspective my life. And I realize I have a great life. Aside from the pesky dishes overflowing in my sink, I have a pretty amazing husband, beautiful and adorable children, and I have to admit, a pretty rockin' body for someone who just birthed her third child.

Thanks for letting me brag on myself and please forgive for the over-use of parentheses.