It's been a long time. I've given up on having the "right time" or "quiet" before I sit to write anything.
In spite of my attempts to make my children TV addicts, they insist on having fantastic imaginations, paired with a lot of activity and moving about. They just aren't going to make good couch-potatoes, and I've relinquished the dream.
I am increasingly amazed at the quantity of words that escape the mouth of my 3-year-old. She never, ever stops talking. And her conversations (mostly with imaginary people) focus primarily on princesses, parties, marriage, weddings, and prince charming. I don't know what to do with her. When I'm tired (always), I usually enjoy a quiet time, followed by more quiet time, and maybe a cup of coffee (or five). This just does not happen in the real world as I know it, and therefore frustration ensues.
This leads to the appearance of "mad mommy." The "mad" in this case does not refer to "crazy" (although that would not be very inappropriate here), but instead refers to the raising of my voice and blood-pressure. When I don't get the time alone I require, I become quite agitated. I'm really not the best loving and nurturing mother these days. I'd like to be that kind of mommy, all the time. But I'm usually 80% mad, 20% nurturing. I'm not okay with that.
Some days are worse than others. Some WEEKS are worse than others. I find that getting out of the house (as stressful as that can be with 3 little ones in tow), really helps. Even if it's a quick trip to Target or a desperate drive through the country. The kids like it too. They don't love being cooped up in our tiny home any more than I do (remember, NOT couch-potato types).
I'm just now starting to see that time will bring more quiet times. Now that Ivey, my youngest, is 14 months, and I'm anticipating preschool for both the older 2 next year, I'm hoping for more time to write, and perhaps more time for quiet reflection on why I do, indeed, love being a mother to my children. And although I can not quite fathom having another baby at this time, maybe someday I'll have that desire.
But until then, I'm working on keeping Mad Mommy at bay. I hear she takes Rocky Road ice cream as a peace offering...